It’s hard to begin my story at the beginning. First of all, I don’t actually know what the ‘beginning’ is.
For instance, was the beginning when I was born? When my daughter was conceived/born? Was it when my daughter was paralyzed during a medical procedure? Was it when my husband died?
Is it after I felt as if my life had completely crashed and burned?
When I found that I wasn’t alone in this world?
When I realized that I had a family again?
Yeah. Let’s start there.
I’m a newlywed, which sounds strange to me. You see, I wasn’t sure that I’d ever get married again. I’d been widowed at age 29, nearly a decade ago.
My heart had been trampled, which I understand is not a new concept in this world. But, it wasn’t just damaged from romantic love, it was also badly bruised from being in the best kind of love. The love that I had for my one and only child. My little girl. She and I have been through some stuff together, just she and I. And truth be told, she was the only reason that I’d survived the last few years.
I found my husband online.
It was a Saturday night, my daughter was asleep, and I was lonely. So, after a few glasses of Pinot Noir, I rambled online. I sauntered my way through a Groupon purchase for Match.com, and subsequently landed on Match.com.
I was a romantic at heart, or so I used to be. But, I was so jaded that I could have easily fit the bill for the role of Elphaba in Wicked. However like I said, I was a few glasses of antioxidant juice deep, and before too long I was pages into a search for compatible cuties.
Georgie was hard to miss. Dark curls sitting like a crown atop his head. Eyes so brown and deep you swear they’re seeing right through you. Olive skin, a nod to his Italian heritage. You know what really attracted me though? He looked like he smelled good. I’m not kidding. He looked like he would have one of those natural scents that were jam-packed with pleasant pheromones.
In other words…he was a panty-dropper.
Being that I was a bit tipsy, I clicked that little ‘wink’ button next to his pic. I wasn’t so filled with liquid courage though, that I had the nerve to send him a message. I winked, and quickly departed the site.
The next morning, I woke to a message waiting for me from Match.com. I had a ‘reply’ to my ‘wink’. I clicked through to my inbox. Georgie had, sometime during the evening, gone through my entire profile and had constructed an in-depth analysis of our similarities, noting our common affection for several things, including; steak, pizza, The Godfather, The Beatles, Italy, Andrea Bocelli, and shows like Mad Men and The Walking Dead.
While it wasn’t Shakespeare or Keats, it was endearing. This complete stranger had taken the time to ‘get to know me’, and put together this incredibly warm email in reply. All I’d given him was a ‘wink’, and he’d given me his full attention.
In the subsequent messages that followed, I learned a lot about Georgie. He told me that he was a ‘classically trained tenor’, and accompanied this factoid with a YouTube video. In this video, he is singing the one song that makes me melt. Caruso.
I was at once intrigued by this gorgeous man, and frightened by him. I didn’t want just another failed relationship. I didn’t want a one-night stand. I didn’t want to bring anyone into my life…and there it is. The truth. I was governed by fear.
Why was I afraid? Well…in a nutshell, and this is definitely something I’ll go into in more detail as I post more…
- I am a single mom to a kid with special needs. True, she is awesome, but the whole special needs thing has freaked out more than one ex-boyfriend, and it becomes something that I hate having to deal with (the ex-boyfriends, not the kid.)
- I am a widow.
- I work full-time and am fairly exhausted at the end of the day.
- I didn’t want to have to change my life. Boom. Took me a few years of therapy to come to that realization.
So, back to Georgie.
I decided to give this man, this talented, incredibly handsome, and caring man a chance. It most certainly has not been an easy road. We have both had our share of demons to deal with, past relationship BS that has tried to infiltrate our happiness like weeds growing through cracks in the sidewalk…
After a year of dating, a year of exploring, of loving, of fighting, of coming so close to the edge and nearly giving up, and then making a commitment to remain as emotionally open as possible to one another, Georgie proposed.
To me, Georgie is the embodiment of love. He took an impossible human being (Me) and gathered me closer to him when I wanted to run. He comforts me when I feel the world is ending. He laughs, these deep and contagious belly laughs, with me. He has taken a remarkable little girl and has become her Dad. He made it possible to have a family again. And if this seems like it’s written as a love letter to him, well then so be it. Maybe it is. This writing project is meant to be effortlessly authentic as possible. So, if my truth comes across as a love letter, or a lamentation, or a success story, etc. Then so be it. That’s real. That’s life. It’s a mess one day, and a sun-filled oasis the next. That’s truth.
Our family’s truth is that we’re making it through. We know the best thing we can do for us, is to talk through it all. To communicate more than we ever have with anyone else. To create our own truth, our own US.
I’m glad you’re here for the ride.